Krist Cummings' Blog

Content & Content!

2011-10-12T06:45:00.001-05:00

I often find myself looking upwards to the cool blue sky of the day or velvet night sky of the evening. In either situation I always find myself in awe of the
magnitude of whats out there in this world. Seeing everything as so small such as the eye of a needle. Realizing I am that small in comparison to things or persons of greater value or importance. Relishing those moments I can say for however brief a time that I am content.

It's quite amusing how a great deal of the time things aren't as they seem or
would be to appear. The picture above, the path seems to narrow and yet in fact it remains the undiminished. After quarreling with demons, battling personal issues, & wrestling with life I know that ("it goes on." -Robert Frost)

I am thankful for what I have in my life. I'm thankful for anyone who has came into or passed by through my life. I am thankful for where I have been and my experiences lived there. To X-friends & X-lovers I apologize, I am sorry for all the negative that happened between us! I wish you well, I hope you are happy and living well! I pray that you have a better life than me.

"Love all, Serve all"
Krist Cummings

Landscape Escape

2011-10-09T20:45:00.003-05:00

Here's a few landscape photos I took lately. Just to show you a little of what ive been up too..

Outside & "Yes... Its Been Some Time...

2011-10-06T09:13:00.004-05:00

Outside

in a room with natural lit light
looking around at everything despite
the world outside this window here
its everything i want but then fear

it holds me back within my transparent
walls. my flaws are mirrors hanging but
then i fall. things lay scattered across
the ground. and every sound feels like
pressure piling on.

im moving onward in my journey through life.
i can see the color more on the outside.
pleasure twisted not shape shifted but
exquisite. feeling of euphoria like utopia
intoxicating life on the outside of...

An Interview with Troubled Youth

2011-04-29T22:00:00.004-05:00

"The former ACW Alumni come back together again to discuss life, wrestling, and Porn. You will be shocked by what you hear and look at these 2 amazing wrestlers in a new light. It was a light hearted very funny and interesting interview." - The Madcast Podcast

Below is a three part interview with my former tag team partner Problems and Drew Lucid (myself.)

Part 1

Podcast Powered By Podbean

Part 2

Podcast Powered By Podbean

Part 3

Podcast Powered By Podbean

Also Credit to Anarchy Championship Wrestling

New Pic

2011-04-03T09:21:00.002-05:00

New Lyrics (sorry no video yet)

2011-03-15T22:55:00.002-05:00

I'm a whore I'm a bastard. i cant tell you what may matter. only reveal my misfortune. when i feel like slipping away its needless to say. I have fallen a time or two in to another melancholy. and what folly disgrace or dismay keeps on falling into the spaces in between. and it seems that i can keep going another day, erase all the pain that is my fate or my past when time disappears so fast. i count the hours i keep wasting instead another day or year is fading. how did i get here and where did i go. how was i supposed to know. its your voice inside of me, i cant forget what used to be. how do i let go, how do i move on. how do i stay sober, how do i stay strong. when falling is easier then getting up. staying down is strength enough. i fear in fear itself, when i know nothing else. a hollow smile. a faceless stare. some where i know there is something more that's left of me. its not where my heart is, when the hardest part is letting go. forget your pretty face. forget the time and place we met. forget the hold you have on me. forget what used to be. I'm moving on and moving forward. it may be awkward but i will make it through. i will find my way back to you, who i was, who i love. i keep wrestling with this because, i need to erase all the pain that is my fate or my past. i count on time disappearing just as fast as before. and once more, I'm a whore I'm a bastard. i cant tell you what may matter.

ps. i just scratched this down like a minute ago.

"love all, serve all"
With Hope,
Krist

Soon To Come...

2011-01-27T13:57:00.002-06:00

This video was taken in April of last year, and well things have changed since then my words now can hold true. I intend to start posting some video blogs, so i can talk directly to you, and you can hear my voice. Thank you all, and stay tuned...

With Hope, Krist

Ten Days Later...

2011-01-25T23:21:00.002-06:00

Well its ten days later since i posted anything on my blog. Frankly i do not know what to write about. There really is so much i want to say, but it seems words get in the way. The more ive been thinking about writing the more it seems like im slipping away.

When i was younger i used to write all the time. Seemingly the words would flow from deep within with ease as i was consumed by my depression. By no means am i cured, however im not as sad as i once was. Now i find myself searching for a new muse.

For me i can write when im depressed, and now i dont know what to write, think, feel, and more its as i have lost my voice. I now struggle to keep a train of thought and form the next line from pen to paper. So I guess this is all i have for now, i apologize!

All Alone -by- Ryan Huston

With Hope,
Krist

Malice in Underland

2011-01-15T17:06:00.002-06:00

in the mix, the middle, I'm not a 9 to 5 individual
intermittent residual indivisible strength of mind
i find i spy wheres waldo on the other side
living outside my mind on the other pages
of time when sand runs down in the hour glass
look through the looking glass with malice
in spite whether wrong or right like the mad
the insane in fame infamous hatter
it doesn't matter you'll just keep on falling
down the rabbit hole its mystical magical
your trapped suffocating equating your next
move inside the door poisoned to the floor
you tripped down your trip now touch down
from the inside out inside in your eyes
deceive the naive with truth nor lies
like a storybook your none the wiser
inspired by chaos not reason but treason
start a fire like a pyro desire no one
it doesn't matter though who you follow
the truth is hard to swallow

With Hope, Krist

If This Speaks To You.

2011-01-12T22:52:00.002-06:00

can you see the secrets in my eyes
entertaining all your lies
the impulses that i hide, defy me

lie with me, lies to me, mindlessly

underneath the black of the night
above the dim moon lit cloudy sky
twilight saves the colours fade

i should have stayed in silence

the tears just kept tapping away
soon they soaked another blank page
i haven't written in some time now

i don't even want to finish this line now

I'm awake now here in this dark room
shooting pains anticipating as i do
death don't fail me now, stay away

knock down my door another day

you cant see the sleep, I'm losing
the bags i keep, underneath my eyes
the secrets i keep, are your lies

I'm stuck in between wondering why

if this speaks to you, hear my voice
remember its you and its your choice
rebuke what used to be, it has to be

i don't even want to finish this lie now

For no obvious reason I cant but help remember all my ex lovers. Right now all the words exchanged are pouring through my mind. It seems as if I asked "lie to me" fill my head with empty words to put me at ease. Its as love is a fairy tale and unending tale of misguided misery. Every time I think that I was in love it was nothing more than a fallacy. I found some one to "love" me when I wouldn't love myself. So many mistakes were made only cause I've found that I just wear my heart on a sleeve. Unprotected and pissing it all away into the wind. Stupid me, when almost all the sex I've ever had has been on camera. I'm left with very few memories of something that should be special when so intimate. I don't regret doing porn, but the strain it will now have maintaining a "normal" relationship. For the greater good i have sworn away from basically all kinds of relationships. I do not wish to hurt others, and more important i do not wish to be hurt as well. On multiple occasions I broke my cardinal rule which is Don't Trust Anyone. For the people that know me, they see a risk taker in me. Love is no longer worth the risk, I find the juice is not worth the squeeze.

With Hope,
Krist

This Road I Take

2011-01-10T00:21:00.003-06:00

destined for something better
not sure if I'll ever get there
i fight my reflection in the mirror
breaking my vices is getting nearer
a year in recovery seems longer
i don't remember how i got here
i know that i can fix my mistakes
by not taking this road i take
I'm alone and its how i like it
no friends to hurt or despise me
the pain i live with feels better
at least i regret much lesser
i starve myself of my emotions
i hide inside stuck on some notion
that I'm fine living behind my walls
rather than be discovered at all

Well by all means I am aware of how "depressed" this must sound. In fact it is the farthest from the truth. This world we live in is just gray, not black nor white. I find peace in what I write and more importantly an inner strength. For all of the discredit and lack of acknowledgement to my success, I find a great deal of blessings and humbleness. Through my inner turmoil I am able to push myself forward, if nothing less then stay firm and not fall backwards. I want the world and all it has to offer, whether bad or good I want it! So offer kind words or offer critisism, I now and finally realize words mean nothing.

With Hope,
Krist.

New Years

2011-01-01T19:24:00.003-06:00

Re division my decision to revise
inspire a liar with fire inside
my heart my mind i find
a dream it seems to seem insane
i blame myself the same as
anyone else re shelving my priorities
endlessly a battle to shake or rattle
these feelings or emotion
devotion to motion forward on some notion
or fallacy to be or not to be
that is my question i question
constantly incessantly compulsively
intellectually destructively explosive
i know this life is mine i find
I'm blind to black or white
i fight whats right or wrong
strong with indecision in revision
for all my life in some enigma

Happy New Year to all! Thank you to all who still look upon my blog! I know I dont keep up with it and maintain a constant flow of updates, and for that my apologies. My intentions are to correct many of flaws i find with myself this year. That including blog updates, my personal health, and much more. Thank you all for any feedback, comments, or questions you have left me on this platform or on other web pages of mine this last year.

LOTS OF LOVE,
Krist.

associate

2010-11-28T20:12:00.003-06:00

so yeah i just wrote this out minutes ago, here you go.. i havent thought of a title just yet but i think its done...

associated to free associate
disappointing to not tempt fate
relate to the individual
not to the indivisible right to fight
the inconceivable life and lie
to ride and die mentality mentally
its my fallacy my reality
entirely desirably high five
nine to five i survive
a life my mortality
I'm honored you see to be
unofficially superficially
honored you see
my eyes seem faded
ill soon be faded or forgetting
I'm forgotten not till i drop a line in
and you can see I'm fine alive
listen to the reprise
associated to free association
five nines working nine to five
high five man
my hustle is my way out
my line out to try and save a life now
falls soon after the the sun does
organically romantically a knight
stuck in twilight dusk or dawn
revolutions revolve like a record
spun out strung out far out
the moons out and I'm out
of my mind I'm blind by vices
i ride the dice i roll
chuck down the table
i bet my life as collateral this time

Where Have You Been?

2010-11-13T21:42:00.002-06:00

I figured I would start out with the general question for who ever it is that may read my blog. I have no excuse for why I haven't been writing or blogging or posting anything. The month of Sept. has came and gone and I got my bday wishes. Thank You! Last month of Oct. I spent most of it "back home" in Lincoln, Nebraska.

For many years I held in a lot of anger, frustration, hurt, many other emotions, and opinions silent. I refused to talk to my remaining grandparents on my fathers side. The exact details I prefer to not disclose. Basically my Grandma had major heart surgery and then two weeks later passed on.

I left back to San Antonio after two weeks got home Saturday evening. Sunday morning was told she had passed, then Monday i went back to Lincoln for another week. The 9 grandchildren were to collaborate on a speech for her funeral. Being known to write in my family I was looked towards for advice or guidance as to what to say.

I found I had no words to say. Only that of which would be symbolic and appreciated for who "actually" cared for her. I found myself hating who I am for giving empty words to my family. Even more so because they felt those words to be true to them. In the weeks since I still have found a new hatred for the person looking back at me in the mirror.

I let my guard down in the past few years. I felt love for certain people and at some point they cared for me. I want to go back to the hollow heartless son of a bitch i used to be. Rather fake having emotion, and go on lieing to everyone around me. Why did i have to let people in?

To Aaron Tyler, Philip Ashton, Diesel Washington, Howard Andrew, Douglas L., Matticus W., Darin Childs, Jacob Ladder, Scot "Showtime" Summers, Rachel Summerlynn, Trent H., Chucky Baer & Gabe, April F Z., and many others!

I AM TRULY SORRY FOR HURTING YOU! I will carry what I did and didn't do to my grave. I know I'll burn for it, just as all the other things Ive done in my life. I am not asking for forgiveness due to the fact that i dont deserve such grace!

I am sober now, living a sober life, and hope to continue to do so. One moment at a time, one day at a time, one week at a time, and one month at a time. I am in repair and hoping for a future. If I'm lucky a better future.

Andrew aka (Krist Cummings)

OMG!!!.... "Private stuff" XXX

2010-09-04T00:55:00.004-05:00

This was written while i was working in a gas station kiosk during some downtime. The next was written sometime in 2008, and i wrote it with a shapie on a paper towel. I just thought i was talented for it being legible and not one big inkblot.
Or a Rorschach Ink Blot, i just wonder what i would see but anyways... Heres lyrics to a song/poem Deep Inside of You.

P.s. You can go take a Rorschach Test at The Ink Blot.com

what it is, what may be

2010-08-24T23:14:00.003-05:00

soon after the months that pass
the colors bloom seems to last
leaves a tatter and some do fall
scattered aimlessly to the ground
weathered warn and soon faded
not forgotten used or depreciated
green and gold not for sale but sold
as days pass memories grow old

And Some People say im a Power Bottom...

2010-08-09T15:42:00.000-05:00

what The Fuck!!!!????!?!

Eddieff's Videos

@ Midtowne Spa in Austin

2010-07-29T01:19:00.014-05:00

Photos taken by Albert of the Dewayne in San Diego Blog.
Thanks to Midtowne Spa and Albert for a great weekend this previous Saturday.

In My Eyes

2010-07-20T00:16:00.002-05:00

What do you see?

Sitting here looking at my reflection
but its a picture and the reception
with the Internet radio is coming in
clear with understanding and expanding
how i see life in this picture
it seems I've come to life I have soul
and a hole in my ear or in my heart
that beats and repeats another
vicious circle piercing and searing
my meat and bones my love my soul
its beautiful the gray black and white
its clear as day that I'm never right
with who i am its who i am I'm fighting
who i am again and it seems I'm at war
with the good and the bad to be happy
to be sad i find I'm going mad yet again
I'm trying to mend in time and find
a reason why i think i need to explain
myself or accept myself or pretend
to be somebody else wishing i was
somebody else i guess its a dream
it would seem to pass with some time

Im Complicated

2010-07-11T21:50:00.002-05:00

A couple days ago I posted I was going to work on some of my personal complications with a much rigorous and focused schedule. However after being evaluated it was determined i would be on an outpatient basis. So steps are still being taken in the right direction. With understanding and determination I know I can reach my goal for my physical and mental well being.

Ive found during this process that forgiving others is much easier than forgiving myself. With regret, sorrow, joy, and happiness I push forward searching for a bit of affirmation or vindication. In knowing that you cant fight fate i find a bit of relief. Relief is a word that is so foreign to me it almost seems surreal but euphoric in the joy that it brings.

If you look and listen to these videos below and pay attention to the lyrics you might get to understand my current frame of mind. They are both by Bon Jovi from The
Have a Nice Day album the first being Last Cigarette. That shares my love for all my vices despite their destructive nature. I find momentary bliss in each of them and living in those moments.

The second explains in its bluntest terms how i am or who i am at least as i see myself. Just knowing that im complicated and the song being named Complicated it just seems to fit at least coincide.

My Head Is In These Lyrics

2010-07-08T14:08:00.002-05:00

again...

2010-07-06T01:13:00.001-05:00

with no footprints left behind
maybe memories but not remembering
words were said last time
and nothing was said each time we spoke
i love you and you love me
and further and further away you seem
i need a laugh and you make me laugh
but its the strangest thing
your my addiction, my affliction, im so conflicted
but not infected its needless to say
i want you near but i push you away
im a walking contradiction set on replay
only to replay this obsession this insanity
what makes sense to you doesn't make sense to me
this game of life of love and trust
but instead its deception and lust
and even when i want to give up
i hold on and hang in because
i don't get to decide if i lose or win
i wish for something better again...

july

2010-07-02T17:42:00.002-05:00

from break of day upon sunlight
i feel like putting to flight
the ideas that are still in me
to shine out and find out why
im endlessly stuck in a mystery

to be alive inside aside from
the night despite the dark apart
from what satisfies me who i am
no different than.....

in all seriousness i keep drawing a blank to that line right now. through my eyes all i can see is the shape of who i might be. i dont know who i am and im finding a great deal of peace mean while. so this is it and my first post of july or something like that...

Thailand 2003

2010-06-29T11:00:00.002-05:00

again tonight

2010-06-28T00:03:00.002-05:00

at night I'd like to believe
in the stars i wish upon
you see me standing there
i fear that your not there
and i believe I'll be there
you see its not fair
and life is cruel but if you
find one hold onto that jewel
you'll see that theres no one
else quite like me
and I'd like to see a comparison
maybe some compassion
its a puzzle without a prize
one big riddle and to my surprise
Ive found just a little more clarity
or its apparently smoke and mirrors
day after day then comes years
to my collection or affection
for you its standing still
in a great divide i find
I'm mesmerized by every thing
i am feeling or what i cant find
in my reflection of myself
i guess I'm dreaming of something else
again tonight

this afternoons thoughts

2010-06-26T17:58:00.000-05:00

on again off again like the light switch in your room
you amaze me you make me crazy Ive heard it all before
i adore my sanity when i find it I'm so excited to be alive
and i strive to live better no matter what a tragedy
i defy you gravity in the separate lives we're living
the message I'm sending isn't easy to understand
but to defend my honor there is none left to find
i cant find the words to say what I'm feeling
if I'm really feeling what i feel inside and i die
cause you're not here and I'm not there and fair
isn't what you call life every day is a sacrifice
i just wish you well when it feels like hell
when the day shows its ugly face before the night
i fight and wish upon the stars for a better life
for you and for me and my friends and our families
for peace is all I'm wishing and hoping for us all

where i sat...

2010-06-22T14:15:00.003-05:00

on a bench where i sat before
i heard a voice that sounds like yours
you don't make sense at all he said
your colors are way too bold she said
if i left it up to you id be so much more confused
I'm better off deciding to lie than confide in you
I'm awake and aware and in disrepair
when I'm thinking of you when its all the time
i don't call but ill write trust me its better
than no one to tuck you in at night
I'm just tired of crying myself to sleep
id steal the night but I'm a no good thief
this past year went up in smoke
but its a joke like going down in flames
i find its better than changing lanes
but what keeps me sane is better than burning out
i feel on fire like gasoline burning up desire and everything
cooling embers, ash, and heat lead to a sign of defeat
if i could see through your eyes and you through mine
i wonder what we would really learn and apply
-To our lives, A toast!

better than

2010-06-22T11:41:00.000-05:00

melting the plastic away with a thumb lit lighter
its useless to say the cliche or stay an outsider
im fading out all i used to be or trying to be new
its painless you see to be frayed at the seams

if i knew how to be
alive and chasing
a dream to be alive
im racing to be
better than i am
just different than
what i am right now

what else

2010-06-21T09:45:00.003-05:00

after thinking awhile its been awhile
and i cant explain all about it
ive spent some time and wasted time
and im dreaming all about it
your on my mind constantly
you make me happy and sad
you drive me crazy
again you hurt me
even if you dont realize it

30 Minutes Past Sunday

2010-06-20T00:25:00.001-05:00

so im gazing upon the stars out there
when im shining bright or really not there
im stuck inside of feeling aware of how i feel
awake in seeing who i am right now
taking apart my reflection its been awhile
its a mystery all my history and im still not there

falling away into the sky
throwing out hope so high
alive and im here today
alive and unafraid
surviving all that i am
indifferent to different things
satisfaction what does that mean
im alive

From The Begining

2010-06-19T17:38:00.003-05:00

With credit to Boycrush.com these are some of my first photos ever taken . Also some of my personal favorites are these four below. Hope you enjoy!

(untitiled) 6-17-10

2010-06-17T19:54:00.003-05:00

tearing down these walls like some old wallpaper
re-paint it now and find the difference between spaces
the spaces between you and me seem greater everyday
i look up to the sky and say rain fall down on me
and wash away the hurt and pain and explain to me
what to say when i try and say I'm sorry again
and again I'm falling away and the distance between us
grows daily it shows daily i feel like I'm failing
in the time that's gone bye everything's changing

Undecided... poem

2010-06-15T23:07:00.004-05:00

with what faceless expression that hides in your thoughts
its a terror of a feeling that can not be thought
its everything you see or everything you believe you feel about me
with an illusion of satisfaction i ponder this endlessly
what am i doing and who can this be with a mirror lying before my eyes
i despise and refuse to abuse the thought of giving in and staying alive
i implore i need more of the will to survive but the fight i will fight
will keep me alive...

I really don't know what to say with this one. Take what you get out of this piece what you will. To each his own interpretation and right to opinion. 'till next time, peace!

Krist

Speaking to you

2010-06-12T01:27:00.002-05:00

apparently I'm transparently obvious not oblivious
inflicted but not ridiculous like trust or worthy
i gotta scurry and run and hide from the inside
deeper than the caverns of my soul I'm magical
I'm so full of what i hide its disastrous
like a blank stare I'm in disrepair and much obliged
so let me confide in you or make some excuse
the words aren't there just empty and scare

I have always felt that the written and spoken word was my gift and curse.
I could always write something down but barely muster out the words to speak. If anyone who has met me could tell you, I am very soft spoken in person and usually shy too. Most of my life I've it seems I've been living an anti-social like lifestyle. Even today i don't talk to people i constantly think about, many loved ones or friends.

One of my constant battles daily is to talk to people... and yet my passions are that of performing for many. I feel a lot of the time i am a walking contradiction to myself. I can find my imperfections faster than my more positive attributes. You know how some people are just born wired either good or bad? I'll just go ahead and say it, that this one is wired like a barbed wire rose.

If anything apologize for not writing, calling, or speaking to you. For withdrawing from communication. I find that each day is a battle to better and heal myself. I offer my thanks and gratitude for all and any of my loyal family, friends, and fans!

Krist

Poem: Untitled (6-10-10)

2010-06-10T22:41:00.005-05:00

With a mixed up minds eye spin around then find a reason why time fly’s
Search the skies east or west im the best but in the mirror I despise
My heart, my intention, interpretation, of all my flaws and everything I lack
No disrespect but to elect another reason why you should know how to react
Anticipation, temptation and each day that comes next do you reflect upon
Your words, your actions, are you a coward or just acting the part to get along
Lights out the fires on burning steady im ready to make you history and forget it
Im prophetic I said it don’t regret it its ok to know that you cant break this one

Also heres three photos from my solo over at ButtBoyMachines.com

Random Pictures...

2010-06-08T17:05:00.001-05:00

a sour appearance

2010-06-07T14:24:00.011-05:00

so its been some time since i wrote anything or just let a bunch of dribble out. so heres my mends, i dug up some stuff i wrote back in middle and high school and finished out with my senior photos. so here it is untill i can think of something better... sorry folks! i'll just say ive been out of sorts lately.

Those Ugly Nights

tasteless appearance
the one you fear is
those ugly nights
those ugly nights
what you can imagine
more than i can fathom
one of those nights
those ugly nights
to dream is to dare
the one i fear
one that is so rare
one of those ugly nights
just like a tasteless appearance

Back in Middle School...

Sour Milk

sour milk and wasted dreams
nothing is as it seems
one less breath that we have
one less dream that goes bad
one less moment lost in time
one less sentence one less rhyme
another word spoken one less i write
sour spoiled milk at the end of the night

Freshman in High School...

My Failures Success

to my inner most enemy
eating me alive
to my inner most enemy
making me cry
to the dreams that haunt me
to the feelings i repress
to my failure in life
that makes me a success
to whats eating me alive
to whats burning me up
to whats making me cry
for why im not giving up
for why im going insane
for why im dreaming of something else
for all that i have left
to all these things that make me feel blessed
to all the thoughts that i have surpressed
for all that i have left
and for all that i am.

An Apology

2010-06-06T20:32:00.002-05:00

its been some time since i updated or posted anything on here.... that will soon change as well as the layout and other stuff... i will be working on updating all this crap soon.....

xxxO,

Krist

what is and what was (poem)

2010-04-25T23:44:00.002-05:00

new poem here, I just wrote it a couple hours before the time change to the 26th.

what is and what was
my addiction, my affliction
to let go, nobody knows though
I was born to do it
they all hate, and I refuse it
I was meant to
fight myself, deny myself
lie to myself
I was born to win
I choose to lose
I abuse it, waste my talent
I confuse it
I don't want the money
I'd rather die happy
You can't buy love
You take what you're after
Success don't matter
Time flys faster
The unanswered disaster
Words don't matter
When you listen to trash
Live the drama
It hurts a little less
But the damage lasts longer
Temptation is guilt free
Trepidation is hard to see
When your living a fallacy
You can't rewind time
Just replay the memories
And they linger inside your head
Inside your mind
Behind these eyes
It's hard to find
What is and what was

2010-04-16T04:05:00.002-05:00

To begin with I never would have guessed when I was young I would become what I am today. I had become so lost and misguided by my own inner turmoil. I have came to the conclusion of that I'm unaware of what makes me happy in life. One of the biggest charades in my life was my love to entertain. I was seeking out love and comfort that had been missing for the majority of my life up until recent of days. I appreciate and do love both professional wrestling and porn however I feel if I pursue either any further I will find my demise.

It is hard and probably one of the hardest feats of my life, to let go of what hurts me. My love for both was that of a razors edge each time it was cutting a little bit deeper. I will probably mourn the departure as a loved one, a son or daughter even. They both at different times in my life kept me going and kept me alive. My depression easily overcomes my everyday focus a lot of the times. In believing that because I have made it this far I know I can weather the storm. I believe I am a better person, a stronger person, a happier person because of this.

Today is a new day and this is a new year and it's not too late for me just yet. I now intend on settling down a bit in life. I may film a bit more, I may have one more match in me, who knows of what God has planned for me. I know I am thankful for all I have and have had through out these past few years. So here's to starting over in life and to making it count!

Four m onths of the year...

2010-04-01T02:55:00.000-05:00

so i find myself sitting downstairs at the Palace Station hotel lobby and its Tuesday and 2 a.m. Once again im wide awake, in dirty clothes and im not sure what to write. A Third of the year has now passed bye. I bought my first car, i have had the means to travel, and i have one of the best friends of my life by my side. I consider myself blessed to have all i have at this point of my life. Again ive lost and left behind many of my possesions i hold dear to me. And again i am reminded to be humble and thankful because my situation could be far worse off. In this past week i stayed in a 5 star hotel, had Hooters wings for the first time, ate some great and expensive meals as well. I have clothes on my back and a roof over head, even if some nights i have slept in my car. My life is so much better than it was. I still find myself struggling to let go of hurt or negative stuff in my life at times. In seeing that i believe thats half my quarrel right there. So thats it for now....

2010-03-27T03:30:00.000-05:00

to begin with i dont know. Its seems if i forgot how to flow. Whenever you think somethings wrong. Make sure youre not playin the same song. so i dont know where to begin, life has been so hectic lately. New avenues in life have made their apeal. My deal is i stress even when i really dont need to. Some habits die hard and i know theyre definately been under estimated. More often as of late i have found that i dont know myself as i thought i did. But also i have found a good amount of joy in rediscovering who i am.

Wrestling (Poem)

2010-03-23T11:00:00.002-05:00

Can you cut out all those lies

Tear a heart out with your eyes

Make a river flow from your soul

Look into my eyes before you go

Tear drops & rain drops seem to fall

To fall in love with, I've been a fool

I take for granted all I have

The difference is I am no better than

A better man gave me the world I love

Wrestling within & I can't give up

If I love what I loved the most

Let the memories fade & no names be spoke

Well it hurts a little more each day now

I guess I need to let go and move on now

Focus on future, family, & friends somehow

No one can fathom just how I felt

I feel lost and as I let down myself

"They were some of the best moments of my life."

I will always love thee,
Krist (Lucid) Cummings

Twelve Years Ago

2010-03-14T01:25:00.002-06:00

Its been 12 some years that i have been writing lyrics, poems, and "actively" journaling. (using the term actively quite loosely depending on my varied situations.) However to see how far i've come and where i came from at 10 years old with a poem i wrote and to see it again now. Life has truly been one hell of a ride.

This poem "My Anti-Hero" is one that vented much frustration with hypocrisy of ("christians") even more so religion. As well as starting to live a very unhealthy and self destructive lifestyle. Touching base on the fact of not being ready to come out as being "gay" or bi-sexual in my personal life.

The expression towards my parents, adult figures, authorities, or any one who at that point I wish i could have trusted. Life really took me through a mental roller-coaster ride with many ups and downs. Without further ad-due below is the featured poem from the depths of my past.

My Anti-Hero

anti-social diabolical
infernal volitile
sadistic masochist
ambiguous anti-christ
as sight fades
i appreciate
the world today
its so gay
cant believe you now
even understand how
the miricles you spread
blood crimson you bled
spineless sheep
inconsequential creep
loving god
unfertile slob
d*** this earth
sterile since birth
my anti-hero

A Better End

2010-03-12T14:41:00.004-06:00

In my last post i'll admit i was heated when i wrote it. No longer am I gonna listen to what people have to say about me positive or negative. Give me what ever kind of press you want to give me thats fine. At the end of the day what people say about you and hear say isn't gonna matter in a month or even ten years from now. I can either choose to feed in to drama or let it go and live my life which is exactly what i'm gonna do. To all the people in the past I hurt, right now I apologize. I know my life is good and better than it was, so for a better end of the day at least I know whats true and I can sleep comfortably at night.

Krist

Horoscope: and a journal entry

2010-03-07T15:06:00.001-06:00

"Disturbing dreams and intense emotions could dominate the day; try to look at this discomfort as a healing process. As you grow spiritually, you may need to face those who have helped produce much of your inner torment. The only way out is forgiveness... you don't have to trust or even like some one who has hurt you in the past, but forgiveness is the key to setting yourself free."

For many years or even over a decade now I've been holding in the hurt. Remembering who hurt me and what they did kept the pain fresh. We all know things are easier said than done. Now realizing that the blade digging in my side was twisted and turned my by own hands. Yes, of course I didn't stab myself in the b back. With the lack of understanding and apologies it always felt as it was salt fresh into the wound. The tears I shed felt empty like the bottom of a bottle. Just as the sting of cleansing a wound with alcohol, more tears were sure to follow. I still find myself befuddled in understanding how to let go at times. However being born a wrestler in any and all the senses of the word. I find that wish all the physical resilience i have, i also have the same for emotional and mental. Believing that all my qualities are equal. Only in becoming aware I do have power of how and what i feel. I do have the internal strength that exceeds my physical capabilities. I now can choose to heal myself and who i am from the inside out.

untitle d

2010-02-27T20:06:00.001-06:00

so its been about two weeks now since my last post. Each day comes and goes and they seem to be passing faster. Im in a car pulled to the side of the road with an hour to reflect and ponder. Writing has always been one of my gifts and its as taking a bitter pill. Theres so much i constantly hold in and it would be so much easier to let it out. In realizing if i write the truth many of times its hard for me to swallow. Rather than keeping it all locked up inside and pretending it isnt true. Its so sad the mess i let myself become and i can only just accept the blame and responsibility. Its definately going to be much of a battle to stand on my own two feet again or for the first time. Most of my life so far ive been depending on others to help me rather than help myself. The days still are changing it would be so much easier to go back and fall to my old ways. I know that the reward for me owning up to my actions and staying strong will be worth it. To stay sober will be one of my biggest accomplishments.

Music Videos: What I want to share with you now!

2010-02-14T22:08:00.002-06:00

Ocean -by- Ten Shekel Shirt

Dont Break My Fall -by- Oleander

Truth -by- Seether

Determined -by- Mudvayne

Roadtrip: The Road to Self Discovery

2010-02-10T21:14:00.000-06:00

Away from the city lights under a star lit sky. I'm sitting passenger riding along on my way down this road. With a dim lit skyline you can see the shapes and outlines of the hills and trees. Passing each exit bye heading further north I wonder where I'm really going. I know my current destination, however i find that I'm searching a year or so down the road. I've came a long way from year ago let alone a decade. Physically, emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually in my life. I feel as I've been experiencing a human form of chrysalis. The change of a Caterpillar to a butterfly is one that is quite amazing. Growing up is something I've feared for a long time instead of embracing my future I was holding on to the past. Having a peter pan complex is one thing but mine was amplified a few times over. Letting my insecurities or doubts get the best of me, it prevented me from realizing my self-worth.

For the first time in life I can truly stand to look at my reflection in the mirror. The feelings of disgust, hate, or other traits to my image problem are fading away. My self-esteem and self-worth have that of a priceless value. The lesson in learning to love myself is also one that no amount of money can buy. If anything going down this road of self discovery is one that is priceless to me. Just as when i was homeless at one point a year ago I feel so filthy fucking rich in spirit. If i could offer anything to anyone who reads my blog or come across this page, learn from my mistakes and misfortunes instead of finding or creating your own. With much love and respect,

Krist

Hotels: A Home Away From Home

2010-02-10T00:22:00.000-06:00

For a couple weeks now I've been staying in various hotels. Right now I'm laying on the floor texting this blog into my notepad on my blackberry. Not a lot is really coming to mind as to a direction or something specific to write about. As I've been cleaning up my life and maintaining sobriety I've found out who my true friends are. To my surprise I've kept some relationships and had to let go of others. The surprise was that of who was truly a friend and who were fake. I've met a lot of fake people in the past year. Many who say they want nothing and come back around expecting what they originally "didn't" want to begin with.

Most of my life I've felt as I were at home while traveling. I've had many temporary residences for a little over a year now and been living out of a suitcase. I find it to be a funny idea of me settling down. Much of the time I wish to settle down somewhere in life however I feel the idea is quite absurd. Especially when my dream is to be on the road wrestling 300 some days of the year. Dispite such a long absence from the ring. I believe in order to one day put wrestling first in my life I have to put myself first. Without healing physically or mentally I feel I would have brought myself to an early demise in life. Now I have started to truly heal I am taking steps to one day return to my true passion and calling in life. That's all for now.... Til next time.

Krist

A New Path: Stairway to Heaven

2010-02-06T23:36:00.000-06:00

I'm starting to write on a new blank page. I'm filled with love and light around me. Finding peace upon meditation and grounding myself. This feeling I have is of great joy and I'm filled with warmth inside. While sitting alone in my friends car and looking out through a raindrop covered window. I look up to the light of the street lamp and listening to the tap of the rain. With the water pooring down it seems to be washing away some of the dirt of this world. I'm surrounded by something positive, this sense of tranquility. I look out the side window and my eyes are captured in a dim lit shimmer. Gazing upon some stairs leading up to this house. I am simply reminded and thankful that now I'm taking steps in the right direction in life now. Some say home is where your heart is. Similar to how the steps lead up to this random home, a lot of the time I feel as I'm climbing this mountain and taking these new steps to the right direction. With "A Road Less Traveled" by Robert Frost coming to mind I find a sense of affirmation. I took a path worn in and used by many people. A path of this world dark and much easier to take. Now I am taking the other road, one less traveled with many obstacles in the way. However this choice is one that has made the difference. Just as glass can break we as humans break too. I've found its much Better to break down all the way or into a million pieces upon the floor. Just as glass is made out of millions of grains of sand its better to start over rather than being held together by glue. To repair, its not as easy as we humans have tried to make things in life. Falling harder into my former negative lifestyle it was the transformation and breaking back into the sand that was needed to become new. Much of the time it still feels as an up hill battle. However with more practice and dedication things will become much easier to handle what comes my way. With so much joy I have hope for the future. Lots of love for myself and you!

Krist

Reborn: A New Chapter In Life

2010-02-04T00:54:00.003-06:00

I'm staring at a blank page with little inspiration to write. Its been so long now because it had been much easier to write dark and depressed pieces. Basically to show the world the pain i was holding inside. Each day now is and had been a battle fighting my demons, however its also been the healing I've longed for and greatly needed. I am no longer a prisoner of my mind holding in the pain inside. Each day I am practicing to be assertive and use my voice. I no longer use alcohol, weed, other drugs, or empty excuses to hold the hurt inside. I am truly blessed to have my new "family" that i have in life now.

I wont get into great detail, but i will say i have come back to my belief in God. I will say I deny the lies, hypocrisy, contradictions, and propaganda to spread fear and darkness into the lives of the people of this world (organized religions.) I wish to remain in love and the light of this world. I have found great joy in the beginning of this new chapter in my life. I also have a new found sense of purpose in my life. I am clean and choosing to remain in the new found joy, happiness, love, and positive lifestyle that i have started.

We all have our struggles, problems, demons, and tests we must face or battle so to speak. With free will and choice we choose to persevere and overcome or fail and relish in our defeat. For over a decade I was personally and internally mourning my Grandmother's death. Holding in the anger that she had died, selfishly wanting her to stay with me. Ive held in a lot of anger, worry, doubt, & self-guilt for so many years now. I would never admit to others who I really was inside. Living in fear I was succumb to all of my personal demons.

Most of my life I have been pushing those away not letting anyone close. In fear of losing them like my grandma or being hurt as i was my my mother, father, and brother. I was longing to be loved and afraid to be loved all at the same time. Both my parents families are and were emotionally distant and abusive. Both ignorant to passing on the cycle to the children of each new generation. Now knowing the reality of the situation and past, I am able to forgive myself, my family, and others who came to "know" me up until this point in my life. I am finally in a truly better place in life. I now have a real sense of hope for the future.

Krist Cummings
(Andrew)

Bad Puppy

2010-01-23T15:34:00.000-06:00

Here's a preview of my bad puppy solo

Take Me Away

2010-01-21T02:53:00.002-06:00

Theres not much to write at this time. I just find myself thankful for those i have around me! Also I wish to apologize and say sorry for those i've hurt through out the past 22 years of my life. Also I wish to say I forgive all those that hurt me through out the past 22 years of my life.

Take Me Away -by- Seether

Fuckback Flashback: Scott Alexander and myself

2010-01-19T20:20:00.001-06:00

from ExtraBigDicks.com

Healing

2010-01-18T19:24:00.003-06:00

To start with mentally I don't believe I have ever been in a better place or a state of mind. More and more the days get easier as to knowing that I do not need alcohol or any of the various substances that I abused. I find myself with a new lease on life, personally with the relationships i have or the broken ones i have been holding onto. I undoubtedly know I am mending my broken wings. Though some relationships can not be recovered and some were let go and former ties or strings are now cut away. I believe that I am stronger because of my past! I believe the reflection I once saw in the mirror has started to fade, only for the better. With all my imperfections and flaws I find I am making peace with the ones I can not change. Also find great joy in knowing that the negative self-image and lack of self-worth are melting away. I don't know what the future holds however in living a new life, I will take great humility, patience, frustration, doubt, amazement and pride in finding whats next in life.

Our Lady Peace - In Repair

Our Lady Peace - Al Genina (Leave The Light On

Thank you to all who have been there for me & for all the support!

Krist

Machine Gun

2010-01-18T01:35:00.001-06:00

To Entertain: Porn or Wrestling?

2010-01-11T22:26:00.000-06:00

My love for wrestling is unlike any other just as my love for ACW! As for coming back to Anarchy my heart is torn in two because i have spent a year away from home. Physically my body has not been well nor will it if i continue to work matches. I am fully aware for the the cost and great sacrifice i will have made when i lay my head down to rest and breathe my last. I will not look back and have said what if and ponder what may have been, only look past what i have missed & with great joy look towards the future.

Since 2000 or 2001 i have been waking up every day in pain & in 2006 i had injured my back from a car accident a day after graduating high school. As i am sitting here in response to your urge and many others to walk away from the sport of which will be my physical demise. I only know my where my heart and passion lies. I can only ask what kind of a man do I claim to be or one day will become, for that matter what kind of a wrestler will i be if i simply walk away and hang up my boots.

Through injury and injury to come i look to those who've overcome doubts that they come to overcome through trial and tribulation. Any number of hundreds of wrestlers with injuries and some more significant, career and life threatening to overcome these obstacles can only make me a better man. From broken bones, broken backs, torn muscles, or even broken necks i know nothing else but my passion for Professional Wrestling today and its rich and amazing history.

I do plan on making a return to the ring, my heart wishes me faster healing than my body allows. With great humility and patience i will ensure my body to be the best of condition and make my "personal" debut into professional wresting. Yes of course, I made my debut in Austin, Tx May 24, 2008 and any one who was there can undoubtedly say they saw how much passion i have as a result in blood loss.

Undoubtedly my Porn career may appear to be better for my health however that is not the case at all. There is an increasing rate of infection of models in the industry to which i am playing a dangerous game. Every time i go in front of the camera i would say is more of a risk of health, than i could possibly injure myself in the ring. My accomplishments whether in porn or wrestling both mean a great deal to me, so still shall i go out and entertain the fans?

Yes, I will continue to put my body on the line day in and day out. I value my life very much, just as i value each and every person i entertain. Do I know where to draw the line, unfortunately and fortunately i do that is why i have been absent from the ring for such a period of time. I offer great thanks to you and other wrestlers alike! As do i offer thanks to all and any of my fans!

"Love All, Serve All"
Krist Cummings
aka
(Lucid)

another new year...

2009-12-31T18:16:00.000-06:00

To begin with what a ride this year has been. I started out in Texas then I had moved to Florida, and now I am residing in California. I have loved and lost, loved and left it all behind. Far too many goodbyes have been said this year.

I've made money & been broke a time or two. I have lived well and also been homeless a few times too many. So let's gaze upon my reflection In reflection of this past year.

I made two pro dvds with Falcon: JOCKS Roadtrip San Francisco Vol. 11 or Raging Stallion: Southern Pride Boys In Heat. I had only two wrestling matches for Anarchy Championship Wrestling from Austin Texas. Those are just my accomplishments. My
Failures well that was most of 2009.

I was victim to my self-destructive nature, no one else only myself that I blamed. People always throw out this "poor me routine" and they are only to blame but themselves. I have always accepted the outcome of my mistakes and choices.

I know I used and abused alcohol and other substances. I attracted messes like flies upon me. You can always find misery with other miserable people. Women and men alike, older than me or younger the latter as well.

When it rains it poors, & I was washed clean with the life lessons of this year. I am starting this new year clean and with a good head on my shoulders. Mentally I am no longer overcome and am able to see joy in my life now.

What will this new year hold, well who knows or who cares? Let's go on for another colorful ride this year unlike any of the rest. 2010 see you in the future!

late xmas post

2009-12-27T11:32:00.000-06:00

Sorry for the late post I wrote this on xmas day

Steps Forward

Taking steps forward in footprints left behind. What is green was gold and changed for all mankind. As seasons turn and years go bye. With each dawn and dusk of our cool blue sky.

Natures dew gathers from shore to shore. I find myself longing for something more. To the moon and the stars I wish away. Taking steps forward for a better day.

letting go

2009-12-21T11:04:00.002-06:00

This post is some lyrics I guess. I just finished writing this about a minute ago and want to share it.the title is the same as todays post title...

Last time I talked with you, you were lonely & out of place. I see you now and your lonely frown. Do the tears wash away? All the happiness you bought too late, wasn't for sale any way. The days turn into years and the years fade away. Broken like your memories lying on the floor. You wish you could relive them, so you relive them and it hurts even more. You feel so alone when your not alone, there's world full of you. It may take some time but with some time it'll change your view. Just lift yourself off the ground, open your eyes and you'll be found. You'll see the world out there, its okay when you are scared. I know the hurt you hold inside,

but you have to let go,
the joy you could know.
Even if you leave it all behind, you have to let go. You have to let go.

hindsight

2009-12-15T00:49:00.000-06:00

I find myself in thought and it doesn't seem as the same as any other night. Hindsight is 20/20 and its finally clicking in my head. How holding onto my past and pain was drowning my every wish to be better in life. Hidden under the alcohol and drug abuse, I was a little more than lost in my own black tar pit. With cries from the heart I longed for many relationships that I rejected in being scared and insecure. I am now letting go of the pain, frustration, and inner turmoil eating away from within. I no longer wish to salvage the broken abusive relationships with any of my "blood" family. I know I no longer have a family by birth. However I have peace of mind in having my family of choice by my side. Many good things are coming my way in the last little while. I am excited for the future now, love all serve all!

Krist

a way back home

2009-12-14T20:08:00.000-06:00

12-11-09

When I close my eyes beneath a velvet night sky I'm lost in the wind brushing upon my face with the tide crashing on the shore whispers resound in the silence away from the city lights I look to the stars as a guide to finding my way back home

Coming Out Again...

2009-12-06T21:03:00.003-06:00

so i find myself yet again lost, confused, & with tears in my eyes. Ive for the most part been working on getting my life back together. These tears are of joy, being scared, old memories and much more. I don't want pity, i don't want anyone feeling sorry for me, i only ask if you care just sign or make your mark on my blog. I know now and my eyes are open to see there are people around me that care.

i have a lot of issues and baggage to say the least, self worth,very low self-esteem, image, physical, i shut out people i care about. I usually end up hurting the ones i love, trust issues, I'm so introverted, I'm passive & not assertive, bad communication, I'm a lousy boyfriend, etc... really i could continue outing myself, but i kinda think we can get the picture.

I'm sure if i continued I'd get more negative and that's not somewhere i want to be any longer. at this point i feel and believe if i relapse back into drugs and alcohol it will be the end of me. I am so aware now this is my last chance of a thousand second chances. maybe i needed to get to this point to realize these things, i wish i wasn't so.

i am so young and have so much more to learn. I kinda wish it was more textbook kinda stuff compared to the life lessons I've had for awhile now. just cause I've made a habit of failing in my life, I've made a habit for excuses, I've made a habit of being a lost scared little boy. Its time for this boy to grow up now. I want to thank the friends and "family of choice" i have in my life right now.

Thank you Howard Andrew, Diesel Washington, Phillip Ashton, Gio Caruso, Austin Wilde, Jenn, & Miesha

Diesel's Attack on Twinks...

2009-11-26T17:35:00.001-06:00

From within... & its been awhile

2009-11-12T11:24:00.003-06:00

(Jesus Doesn't Want Me For A Sunbeam -by- Nirvana)

To start or begin second,

Its been quite some time since i last blogged or updated any of my Myspace pages let alone Facebook or Twitter. I situation was spiralling down and i hit bottom yet again. Nearly homeless and with a back pack of clothes i have earned my second chance. I am starting over working my ass off this month (i.e. become fiscally sound again) as well as just take care of myself. Again i was falling back into drugs and alcohol & broke my sobriety.

(The Gift -by- Seether)

Using various substances i lost a lot, even a part of who i really am. i have a good group of friends around me now and i am ready to accept the support i need. I will get better, and you better believe i am not down and out. I am gonna lace up and head out to the circle again, however in due time. I am taking this time to truly better myself again. Im gonna take care of neglected injuries and climb up the path back to my long lost love once again.

First before i come back to my love for wrestling, i will be getting a steady job, (hopefully health insurance,) and heal 22 years of pain whether physical or mental.
I may be unfortunate and bad timing (it tears me apart daily) however if im gonna have a life for tomorrow i need to save myself today. From a long road to ruin i am looking to the sky and i am here and i know why. "Love All, Serve All"

To The Future,
Krist Cummings

A Second Chance

2009-10-17T18:07:00.003-05:00

This song and music video is one of many reasons why i left Texas. this is to my "parents & family" that i left behind. its been about 10 months since i left my life behind to live my life. Now Ive moved 4 or 5 times since being here in Florida. the first 2 months i was living with a model i had met in Vegas in January basically homeless we lived in and out of his car in Aventura. Then i spent several months in Deerfield Beach, a month in lauderdale and now I'm in pompono beach. Piecing my life back together has been quite the journey and its still been one hell of a ride. as of late even in struggling i am still very much thankful for what i have. Yes my nature is self destructive & Ive been partying as of late with various drugs. Yes i well aware of the danger of each particular drug and will and have been taking responsibility for my actions. Nothing in excess except a new lease on life. As of late i am lost into which direction i am going in life. By far I don't want to leave either of my dreams to work in adult film and professional wrestling. With the way things have been going yet again im looking for another second chance in life. What im finding more and more is that i am loved and now that ive been able to accept that and believe what ive doubted for the past 21 and now 22 years that ive been alive. taking each day now one at a time the progression of my life emotionally or growth in understanding the way my mind works how it does. More and more ive come to value and appreciate the power and capability of the mind. i really dont know any specific reason why im letting this all out open in the air, however i find strength in no longer hiding. im gonna live my life the way i need to for me, start taking care of myself. Whether you agree or disagree with my choices im living with them and im ok with my decisions. i just felt like saying what im gonna say and thats that....

Krist

I Apologize, I am Alive Again!

2009-09-15T17:12:00.003-05:00

I apologize for what i realize
i am sorry deep down inside
Ive been wasted and wasting time
the truth is Ive broken my word
it may be awkward for awhile
despite its been awhile this time
and since we last spoke
our hearts have broke into
a million pieces scattered upon the floor
and yet again I'm searching for
a second chance again once more
a new beginning is what I'm looking for
Ive let my demons get the best of me
now I'm starting all over again
with no money in my pocket
I'm feeling overwhelmed and exhausted
I'm sorry for whats been done
but I'm starting all over again!!!

With much love and respect I am now starting over. I now am working on bettering my life and my well being. For awhile ive been on a self destructive path, in my masichism whether concious or not I am currently living with 2 different injuries. Torn tissue in my right shoulder and now and more recently i injured my left collar bone. Dont count me out im working through my demons and am finally able to be serious with facing my issues. I am not who you used to know and from this day forth am living my life acording to me. No longer will i let myself be held back by guilt put on me, whether my own or anothers.

Krist Cummings

closeted

2009-08-18T20:31:00.001-05:00

since i was young Ive always found a sense of security within the closet. well what i mean is actually hiding out in the closet.
every time i find myself at a breaking point i curl up and hide in a corner of the closet in my room and let the tears flow out. last night
i found myself back in the closet, locking the doors to my room, turning on some music and the tears poured out. actually i don't think Ive cried this much in a long time, away from the fact i always try to make sure no one See's my tears. i can remember back around 94 or so when my grandmother died. i went to my room into my closet and hid in my toy dresser and balled for hours. i don't know what it is or why i can find a sense of relief in withdrawing so much. maybe its cause its my truest form. a lost scared little boy....
and in my world today, i found myself in a store earlier today looking at all the alcohol i used to drink. it took all i am to not pick up some alcohol today and start downing it. when that was all i could think of today.... in fact all i can think of right now is how much i want to drink, and its eating a hole in my fucking stomach. I'm so tired of all this shit, and more and more i just want to say fuck it all and let myself go down in flames.

tightrope

2009-08-18T10:58:00.001-05:00

my private life is one fuck up after another, and this time around im spiraling and I find myself at the edge. walkin this tightrope and im trying to keep my balance, but then again i dont care that theres no net to catch me. my next few steps are critical, either i make it through or i fall. im so far away from all that i love, i can barely stand it any longer

Bound

2009-08-17T20:07:00.002-05:00

i once was told that "taking a walk through my head is like taking a walk through a bad neighborhood, something bad is bound to happen."

where i am today
i don't know where i am
some change is needed
i need to feel it
again I've went a stray
sitting alone i want to drink
in this dark lonely room
to my mind i stay
moving forward in life
well i wish to the stars tonight
to be where i want to be
on the other side of the country
more and more I'm left in thought
its staying inside my head
and the thoughts delude
my sanity seems to be slipping
I'm scared because of the one
thought on my mind today
to say fuck sobriety
i pray my will remain
and i stay strong tonight

the quarrell in my head

2009-07-22T21:03:00.002-05:00

for the past few days ive been running around dodging thoughts in my head. Ive smoked apx a 1/2 ounce with in a day, and i still find
myself overwelmed. Being Acw's ugly duckling of black sheep if you will, there is no more fear that i am left to face. I know where i would have gone in professional wrestling, although despite my carreer over. i am true to my word despite how manytimes ive been kicked in the face. I admit it there's a big part of me that a genuine fuck up and then theres the other part of me striving to be honest, true, and a man of my word. In regards to all of my fuck ups i can only say in my own mistakes and poor choices am i able to learn. With some people it takes a while and some it takes only once to learn and while each situation is different. That is the fact of the matter, and i just wish i could have the new lease at life i was looking for. i want to find something to fill this huge void i have in my life. i want to settle down with something stable, and just feel better. and sad to say i know that wasnt in texas, that isnt here in florida, its where my heart is. i just need some inspiration, some direction, and a little bit of peace...

behind the glass

2009-07-21T03:05:00.003-05:00

so what you'll be reading below, may sound like it and im quite depressed right now. Actually far from it at this point in time. Mentally ive never felt better and stronger. These were some unfinished lyrics i had started writing a few months back. And the other day at the Fabscout
office/studio i was going through pieces i had written. And this morning around 3:20 or so I felt compelled to finish what i had started. So i implore you to take heart and read with an open mind. As sane or well for the lack there of these are thoughts from deep within. Many of times do i feel lost in a quarrel of mind. I constantly question if i am a man of honor and that i am a good man. One of my unseen and hardly recognized habits, is i flip myself off before leaving a mirror. Because of how fucked up my mind can be at times, i often doubt my looks and even hate them at times. However this is neither here nor there, I am in a better place right now. Even more I am excited in just knowing the love i have for my boyfriend Phillip Ashton, as well as the love i feel in return. I am truly blessed and thankful to be where i am today. I undoubtedly love being a part of the porn industry and being a "pornstar."

Through the sliding glass door
Where I used to be
On the other side
My reflection speaks
I’ve been trapped within
From the world outside
Where the devil lives
Because he lives inside

Through the spaces between
With the little white lies
Twisting and pulling away
Where do the angels hide
Absent in presence
With the resemblance of man
On my own two feet
No telling of where I am

Through every fallacy
Behind all the smiles
I am broken while well
To the mirror I confide
I see my reflection
And it doesn’t look like me
Through the sliding glass door
I wish I knew who i was supposed to be

"love all, serve all"
Krist Cummings

From Training to my First Match

2009-07-15T21:56:00.005-05:00

Carry On -by- Burn Season (Music Vid)

2009-07-12T18:40:00.000-05:00

I Came Here Looking For Something...

2009-07-11T21:18:00.002-05:00

i see myself in this photo, and i dont know why.. i feel its so true at least for me sometimes..

two pictures

2009-07-10T20:23:00.004-05:00

the first is me kissing the love of my life and the second is of a little something i edited together

And then some

2009-07-07T13:15:00.003-05:00

Well it's been some time since I gave my two cents. Reason being not a lot that I feel the need to say. I've actually had quite a bit going on as for work or filming scenes. Recently I filmed two different Dvds also a few scenes for a new site i'll be appearing on in time to come. Away from that everyone just about knows that I first appeared on Boycrush.com two years ago now. At that time I filmed bb content for what is now Baretwinks.com about 6 scenes or so but that was then. I am proud of all the scenes that I get to perform in, however my views have changed since filming and I no longer support film bb content. Whether testing is done and the studio is on the ball, its not worth the risk for me. Anyway just keep your eyes peeled as to where you'll find me next.

I joined awhile ago but my url is Click Here and Visit my Twitter.

yeah i really got nothin......

(Untitled) - "lyrics"

2009-06-01T08:24:00.007-05:00

well i don't know where im at
stars fall from heaven, just like that
i take a few steps forward on my path

which way, and i don't know
i never knew this feeling before
with every feeling we each know
every time you know..

i feel so lost without you
when were apart, and so far
with everything i am, im with you
i keep you in my thoughts
i hold you in my heart
and where ever you are
just know i love you

you've always been there when im sad
your the best lover i ever had
i think you know that i, i love you
I love you in my soul
everyone should know
just know i love you

i love you
i love you
everyone should know
i love you

i love you in my soul
everyone should know
just that i love you

i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you

"it goes on"

2009-05-26T20:05:00.002-05:00

well I'm not sure what to say, i cant believe I'm so far away. when my life is better then it was. i find myself more distant, i find myself more resistant to the day. for a week or two now Ive been hurting, of mind, body, and soul. I'm living life each day now, and in doing nothing i feel old. i see life changing around me now, and i notice more than the rest. there's beauty in just about every situation, that I've found. whether you notice it or not that's how you know that you'll stay gold. and not be a complete dork but here's the poem by Robert Frost, that was also use in the book and movie The Outsiders.

Natures first green is gold
Her hardest hue to hold
Her early leafs a flower
But only so an hour
Leaf subsides to leaf
So Eden sank to grief
Dawn goes down to day
Nothing gold can stay

I just have been in constant thought the last few months, basically January. Within taking a risk in hopes to improve and continue my life i left for Florida. I met up with a friend i met in Vegas down Aventura. Still sunk in my vices they continued on right with me. you never can leave your troubles behind you. but with January being my last wrestling match, and leaving everything i knew behind. I wanted a better life for myself, and slowly Ive been getting there. Oh fuck have the last few months been one hell of a ride. i lost control and had a breakdown and actively drinking lots at the time. I hit bottom late March, and from then on Ive known i need and deserve better for myself. I am truly humbled by Phillip Ashton (my bf's) compassionate, and amazing heart. I know firmly that he is the love of my life. His smile and laugh, his personality or his zeal for life. He amazes me in so many ways, and he has saved me time and again. He truly has captured my heart,and i know that and cant wait to grow with each other. Live and learn with each other.

So all day I've been looking for something to blog about and just drawing blanks. I searched google for ideas, and pictures and nothing seemed to fit. Much to my surprise the other day I remembered and thought to check my bio-rhythm. And in what I have found to be quite accurate was just that. So as of late Ive been checking my bio-rhythm once a day. But other than that I have felt lost in what I'm doing lately. Because I've finally made peace that I am no longer a Professional Wrestler. "i can sum up everything I've learned about life in three words "it goes on." by- Robert Frost" I'm looking forward to getting on with my life, starting over, and most of all, in awe of the rest of my days with the love of my life.

"love all, serve all"
Krist Cummings

A Better Quality of Life..

2009-05-12T08:20:00.008-05:00

Marijuana is one constant within society that's neither lethal nor addictive. Yet why is it looked down on. Fear! People often fear what they do not understand. Well I believe our war on drugs have failed, and marijuana should be legalized for recreational/medicinal use.

I said this blog to be one to bare all and hold nothing back. I will say I do advocate the use of this "so controversial" plant.

The following are the annual causes of death in the USA:

Tobacco 435,000
Poor Diet and Physical Inactivity 365,000
Alcohol 85,000
Microbial Agents 75,000
Toxic Agents 55,000
Motor Vehicle Crashes 26,347
Adverse Reactions to Prescription Drugs 32,000
Suicide 30,622
Incidents Involving Firearms 29,000
Homicide 20,308
Sexual Behaviors 20,000
All Illicit Drug Use, Direct and Indirect 17,000
Non-Steroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drugs Such As Aspirin 7,600
Marijuana 0

-From The Medical Marijuana Blog

Legal Reefer.com

-More links @ Let Freedom Grow

Beneath My Feet

2009-05-08T23:29:00.012-05:00

When I was young still attending elementary in 3rd or 4th grade I fell in love with skateboarding. A neighbor boy from across the street skated in the road we lived on. Watching the board flip through the air with no regard to if he landed the trick. I was hooked and have always been in love with skateboarding and have still carried the interest to this day. I believe it to be my first passion, and through high school I skated constantly with a minimum of three hours a day.

Following to where my heart led, it became my release to all the negative in my life. My inspiration was a skater named Rodney Mullen. He basically was the innovator and creator of many street tricks in the 90's and skating today.

I still skate off and on today, and from 2000-2007 I skated everyday and as much as possible with the exception of injuries. I stopped skating to preserve my body for my dream and career with wrestling. Now to find that may have been a fallacy in flames, it was and still is very sore to me. I actually skated around today on my short cruiser longboard by Speed Demons for a bit. And although my center of gravity is affected do to the many injuries and re-injuries I sustained through the years. I really enjoy every bit of being with my skateboard. Skating has always been an escape for me, where I take my thoughts and find tears of joy and peace. Whether momentary or more perminate I find myself humbled and centered with a skateboard beneath my feet.

since i've seen the sky

2009-05-08T15:39:00.002-05:00

Below is and excerpt from a journal entry I made about 6 months ago. I was just going threw a folder in my documents on my PC. I really don't know why but i felt this was appropriate to post at this time.

"Its been some time since I've seen the sky. I've spent awhile now trying to hide. Alone and away in disarray, I am ashamed of being this way. I've kept quiet and full of tears. Years have gone by now, and I regret one thing. How have I to come at peace with everything? So far in life its been a shitty mess. At the end of the day I feel blessed. There are so many memories I wish to forget. There are so many of them I hold dear. My memories are what my reflection is today. All I really know is, I am a work in progress."

"when the music hits"

2009-05-06T17:05:00.014-05:00

As of late I have felt a bit more lost. At sea to where my heart is as the ocean, and its as i am drowning in the crash and break of each wave. With in the past three to four months, i have moved states, fell deeply in love with my bf, been broke,been homeless, risked it all, and am now fighting to be sober from being and alcoholic. I also don't know if i will or can lace up my boots and just feel alive. To feel the energy, joy, love, and relief i can have. When the music hits and i walk through the curtain, its as my heart stops.

To feel so great, the excitement, fear, nervousness, the adrenaline, when its all said and the damage is done it all seems worth it. I have been on one hell of a ride, and to see the reflection and realize your the mad-man running the train. That's a mind-fucker! More i am just over it, and is ready to start his new life with the love of my life Phillip Ashton!

To say the least I have long procrastinated on maintaining and updating this blog. Back on Easter I had went with some friends to Sea World and here's a few pix from that weekend.

and here's some fireworks pix i love a bunch of these...

for more Easter Sea World pix check out my myspace www.myspace.com/kristcummings PS. oh yeah i also have twitter you should follow me there www.twitter.com/anarchistkrist but also on 4-20 I went to a concert with my bff Matticus and we saw Gym Class Heroes, and here's some of those pix..

By no means do I want sympathy or empathy from what i write. Yes at times life is shitty, and yes i can and do have amazing moments within my "normal life." I often lose focus of what would be better for me and or things i should do. Up until writing this now i have unconsciously been slipping into some of my old ways. And if anything just consider me fortunate, i am knowing i have the things i have. Ive had an amazing life so far.. I just hope that fortune will not falter. Lastly the one thought that is a constant in my life. I often wish i knew who i was, i mean through the nicknames or alias' i always have felt faceless. This insecurity weighs in on my soul. I often find that i wish for the knowledge, if i am a good man or that i am a man of honor.

Wrestling

2009-04-22T14:14:00.002-05:00

No explanations will be given. However I will say for the past couple years I've bled, sweat, and sacrificed a lot for wrestling and ACW. My dream of wrestling was only that, and i am thankful to have lived in the circle! I am no longer part of Anarchy Championship Wrestling and will no longer wrestle. I know I have the heart and the desire to make something of myself with in the biz, however we don't always get what we want out of life! I know my heart has broke some time and again, however we as humans have an incredible ability to mend through time. I wish everyone with ACW the very best.

Easter Post

2009-04-13T09:38:00.002-05:00

Im sitting in a car on my way to Orlando with friends for Easter weekend. All I can seem to do is think of my beautiful boyfriend! He amazes me, his smile, his laugh, his touch, his kiss, and the way he makes me feel inside. He makes me feel alright inside, and undoubtedly he is the love of my life!

So the second last day I spent in la last month Tom, Phillip, and myself went out and about in Hollywood on our Easter photo shoot. We went to the Playboy Mansion, a Park, and to a beautiful view overlooking La. Memories are left when beautiful moments fade, and my heart was in the clouds that day! All I can really express is so much thanks to Tom for making that day. Also how madly and completely I love you Phillip! Happy Easter baby! And Happy Easter to all!

p.s. Heres a slide show from that day below....

or try the direct url

http://s132.photobucket.com/albums/q16/gaymudd/?action=view¤t=b711e277.pbr

"Love all, Serve all"
Krist Cummings

And you save me

2009-04-03T08:36:00.002-05:00

(new lyrics)

Unfinished lines on empty pages
And tears to wash this dirt and hatred
Away from me and all that I am
Abused by this man
I’m so torn and conflicted
And completely addicted to…
The way I can feel
When I feel alive
And you save me

When I’m stuck inside my head
From my mistakes and my past
So here’s to forgetting who I am
And you save me

From a blind eye to a better man
From my knees you help me stand
Another month is now over
And I’m fighting to stay sober
With these cries from the heart
Ripping away from the inside
I feel complete now, hold me now
And you save me, from this despair
And you love me, and wipe my tears

I love you baby
because you saved me
I love you because you make me
Whole from the inside out
You’re so beautiful, hands down
I love you baby
You mean everything to me

Krist Cummings
"Love all, Serve all"

My Alcoholism

2009-04-01T14:52:00.003-05:00

I've stopped and I am changing for the better. I am so grateful to have the people I do in my life! I love you Phillip, and thanks to everyone!

Krist Cummings
"Love all, Serve all"

More Poetry =)P

2009-03-31T13:10:00.005-05:00

Green leaves shimmer gold (written 9-9-08)

I'm hidden in the dark
trying to find some light
On a path going nowhere
The moon's shining bright
Green leaves shimmer gold
Mornings come and go
Footsteps left in the mud
Stars flicker up above
Tears pour down my face
As the rain in this place
The road is broke and worn
My jeans tattered and torn

Fade (written 9-17-08)

I don't wanna fade away
I've got so much still
Fading from yesterday
The tears and the pain
While nothing seems to change
And I'm locked inside my head
And the times that i bled
Are fresh like the words you said
Everyone seems so far away
While I'm standing next to them
Each and every day
Everything seems to of changed
I don't want to fade away

My soul dear (written 12-30-08)

In a weird state of mind
Twisted up and its hard to find
A love for my life
Just following my feet to the end of the night

I remember the smiles that we shared
As I walk this road, I'm not alone
I carry you in my heart
Ill be loving you where ever you are

In the middle of an empty sky
I dream and I don't know why
Wishing away for you my dear
My soul smiles when you come near

Lost in this moment
And that's quite fine
Another one's coming
And its alright
Lost in a moment
And im allright

In a weird state of mind
My souls smiling
In a weird state of mind
What im finding
In a weird state of mind
My feet follow this road and I know I carry you with my soul

The third poem I wrote with the intention of as if i had it already excluding the first four lines...

Poems

2009-03-29T20:56:00.003-05:00

So for some time now I have been procrastinating as to posting more of my poems and lyrics and stuff to my blog. Well this post as well as a couple more to come will include several pieces i wrote. All including a time frame from 2000 to 2009 of when I wrote these pieces.

Deeper (written in 2000)

I am deeper than the eye can see
I am missing a part of me
I wonder when I will be whole
I hear you screaming from the depths of your soul
I see you alone in the night
I want to be the one to hold you tight
I am deeper than the eye can see
I am missing a part of me

I pretend to always be there
I feel all those ugly stares
I touch deep within your heart
I worry how you will rip me apart
I cry cause I know that you're gone
I look for a star to wish upon
I am deeper than the eye can see
I am missing a part of me

I understand if you want to say goodbye
I say you should never have to cry
I dream of a long lasting love
I try to reach you up above
I hope that you're the guy
To wipe every tear as I cry
I am deeper than the eye can see
I am missing a part of me

Inside (written in 2003)

You oughta know the pain you cause
you oughta know how much I despise
who I am deep down inside
you oughta know to you I confide
how much I cry deep down inside
you oughta know how much i despise
who I've become where I'm from
you oughta know deep down inside

In The Dark (written in 2006)

In the shadows is another day
in the shadows you seem to complain
in the dark its really so bright
in the dark the dark of the night
you see me screaming standing there
you see me screaming naked and bare
you see the dark when its really so bright
you see the dark in the dark of the night
in the shadows morning dawns
in the shadows we're all useless pawns
in the dark its really so bright
in the dark the dark of the night

when ever you're near

2009-03-27T07:29:00.003-05:00

Underneath the city lights and it feels like this road goes on forever. Dark sky and the clouds up high, the stars just shine through. Last night I was put to the test, stupidly I went out to a bar with friends. As anyone that's known how Ive let alcohol run my life the past month or years will understand. I am now and each day at a time, moment to moment fighting to stay sober. I have quit drinking alcohol all together. As the night went on, more often drinks were put in my face and sips were offered. I feel so proud that I can tell my baby that I didn't fall. Admit ably so the decision to go out wasn't the best of ideas. I truly feel I handled it really well.

With the music blaring as we ride along the city streets, I can only look down at this ring and think of you Phillip! You make me happy just when I thought I couldn't feel it anymore. My soul smiles when ever you're near or I'm just thinking of you. I know i haven't smiled this much in a long enough time too long I can't remember. I will say this public for all to see and hear, I love you with all my heart Phillip!
Now that we're away again I find great pleasure in thinking of you! Your smile, your laugh, your eyes, your beauty, and tremendous heart!

The way it was

2009-03-17T16:17:00.003-05:00

Trying to find words to let you know how im doing. I'm stuck as how to express, however dont doubt things are getting so much better for me. Currently Im in Palm Springs, California on a shoot for Thexis. All I have and can really say for now is I am just overwhelmed with tears of joy. The absence of my love, Phillip Ashton and not seeing him since the Vegas shoot for two months took its toll. However I have this entire week with my baby, and I am so so HAPPY! Pictures I promise will eventually come along and I will post them.

"Like flowers in twilight
the beauty still remains
the colors shown are fading
enchanting still the same"

So I dont know why I feel like sharing one or two poems I wrote back in 2003. Some how I feel as if they fit. Even with out being able to give and explanation. As far as wrestling is concerned for me, my career was in question and on the chopping block. Basically by missing the next ACW show the 22nd of this month, I was told that I would be fired. ACW means as much and more that my passion as a whole for wrestling. So basically a partial reason for me being fired would be because i was falling into my demons of being an alcoholic and abusing various drugs. That aside the way it was running down before it was worked out. I was planning to miss the show anyways and go and be with Phillip. I love him so much and was willing to give up wrestling to be with him. Until me anouncing this now, only two people knew that I was about to lay down wrestling and put the love of my life first. Things have been worked out and I am still going be continue being a professional wrestler and a part of ACW! Now I truly am so excited for the future, because its with the love of my life! I love you Phillip!

Overflowing my cup...

2009-02-23T12:47:00.008-06:00

So I look up to the heavens and am left wondering why? Why god, what is there left for me of the obsticals thrown in my way. Things in life always get worse before they get better. In my findings as they get better you still get knocked off balance as you try and move forward.

Over and over I ask why, what the fuck, and just why again and again. Don't get me wrong I am so thankful for all that I have. Especially my boyfriend Phillip Ashton and my friend Matthew who I am staying with here in Florida.
Recently rumors have been floating around as who I am with or where I am staying. I would much rather any one of my fans or fellow bloggers to come ask me the facts before posting or telling others a hear say conversation. The fact that my life is so full of stress and anxiety overflowing my cup and some how is being handled.

Please to all who reads this do not add fuel to the fire.
As pertaining to my physical health which I have not mentioned in a while. I am alive and that is the gist of it for now. After the month of March, I will give an update to my condition and will include what of a future lies ahead for myself whether that be porn or professional wrestling. One thought that is on my mind as of late, is I will not dispute or defend anything that I make public of my life. All of your opinions are your own and that is really where they should remain with you. Life as I knew it has forever changed so stay tuned....

Filthy fuckn Rich!!

2009-02-17T06:26:00.001-06:00

In a matter of days my life, my world, my everything has changed. Two days ago I was living in San Antonio Texas with no job or hope for the future in that city. Dont get me wrong I love all the friends that I left behind, as do I miss them sorely! Knowing I would be leaving my life behind and never seeing a majority of it again I took this leap of faith. As anyone who has ever met me they can see truly how passionate about wrestling. This will probably be the biggest sacrifice of my life by putting wrestling on hold, and even in missing one show.

Right now I dont have much a bag of clothes and a little bit of cash. However just being with the one who saved me (Matthew.) Knowing I have an amazingly beautiful boyfriend with a tremendous heart! Also having air in my lungs I am so thankful, an eternaly grateful to have the friends in my life that I have. I really dont have a family any longer given two exeptions, my cousin and brother. So I turn back a few chapters in life and remember I can and do have a family of choice. Such an amazing family of friends that I do have and it can never be said enough.

The past two nights I have sat out on the beach under the stars with an amazing view. In fact every where I seem to look there is an amazing view but meanwhile. Just being there listening to the breaking waves and knowing that I am taken care of. Knowing that my life is not over it really has only just begun. (not to quote The Carpenters) Going back to not knowing how long till I can lace up my boots again and really live while in the squared cirlce. I still find myself very much at peace.

On the greyhound from Texas to Florida I had and enourmous and just amazing conversation with a gentlemen across from where I was sitting. For hours we talked of life, history, knowledge, personal experiences and all with out being inhibited of being perfect strangers. His name was Angelo Erickson, (I hope wrote his name correct) and I know I will forever carry our conversations with me. Not even and only that we mutually left and bid goodbye with so much respect for each other. Feeling encouraged and inspired of whats coming next in life also in not knowing.

Sitting in Coral Ridge Mall this morning writing this and just reflecting on life in general. I find myself feeling so full of life, with the feelings of depression, anxiety, and all the other negatives fading away. Yes I definitely do feel these feelings, however I am no overwelmed and does not seem to much to bare any longer. When I can post this I will, as do I have so much more to tell! Eventually I also will post picures taken of the past few days. Lastly yes I may be homeless right now, however I feel as I am filthy fuckin rich within my spirit! So until next time, love always!

“Love all, Serve All”
Krist Cummings

Passion and Hardcore...!.?!

2009-02-10T00:01:00.000-06:00

So basically lately I've been thinking what people know about who I am, the good and the bad. I dont want this to be boastful, cocky, or to thought of negatively. In honesty Im just worried if anyone does know me inside. All of the following is some of things that I like or other facts of how and who I am.

I can really relate and identify with Ponyboy Curtis or Johnny from The Outsiders. I dig sunsets and sunrises. I love to walk barefoot in the sand and dig my toes into the sand. (also with mud too) No matter how jacked up airports are for traveling, i love to travel whole heartedly. Ive known I was gay since 3rd grade. I want people to know and remember me as passionate. That I put my whole being into what ever it is I do. Also to be known for being hardcore about life. I do not regret the any of the decisions I've made in life. Whether they are bad or if they're good. Of course times go by and you wonder what the outcome would've been if you chose the otherside. However we do that without realizing the other option could be much worse. I like to sit and just observe everything going on with all the people around me. I love because im more aware of the true beauty around . We Just take it for granted and are so spoiled to even realize how unique and awwesome things are. When I look into the mirror I see either Drew Lucid, Krist Cummings, or Andrew. Any of these people or personas I am, however the lot of the time im worried ive forgotten who I am as Andrew. I used to skateboard and i was unbelievebly upsessed and passionate about skating. I had skated 6 years skateboarding at least 4 hours everyday. I wouldnt come in untill i was pouring of sweat and knew I gave it all I had that session. I've traveled to 14 countries, and left a grain sized piece of my heart in each place ive been. Eventually I would love to publish a book of pieces i have collectivly written for my young life. My favorite movie is probably Empire Records. Friends mean more to me than just about all of my family. (unfortunately I come from a broken family) I always will push through in life, no pain is to great for me to bare. (trust me, as a result of an self-destructive lifestyle im in pain everyday now, no exageration) I contemplate and often rewind memories from the past. When i was about 10 I wanted to be a clown for the Barnum and Baily circus and seriously looked up clown colleges for the future. I still wonder what would my life be if I had chosen that path. I want an itimate meaningful relationship (to a degree) with my any of my fans and am willing to share my life with them. Only out of thanks and gratitude for having them! One word you should never be able to use by the finish of my life is dull. You havnt scene anything yet, there will definately be more to come in following this persons life!

It rains like Revelations

2009-02-09T09:53:00.009-06:00

well i was stoned the night before dreaming of a song to be thinking
well i got high this morn and the song had just started to be clicking
im writing it down before the candle runs down and im out of paper
will you still take me when i am broke and down or runnin 'round
when i see you i look to the sky you ask and are wondering why
well baby its cause i love you and i think about you all the time
its kinda like the spin of a dime so tiny and shiny and flipping sides
from the moment that we began its been ruff so apart i can hardly stand
for you ill be true and give you all i am i wanna be your right man
when your sitting on the couch i want to be what keeps you warm
and when youre fine open some wine and watch a mark wahlberg movie
baby you know life is a roller coaster ride and we were in the same line
by chance by luck by destiny, by fate we'll arrive at the gate
well for now lets just enjoy the ride, the ups and downs turns and twists
i cant wait to hear our descriptions of the ride we chose as it rolls on
well i know of what i could say i hope and wish beg for the gift
theres hundreds of pages to this novel when where long and past
and they can pull the story our of a old chest and hold our treasures

____________________________________________________________________

sorry of it being cheesy or what ever it could be, which isnt bad
to say the least

To our first slow dance, when it may be...

2009-01-28T22:07:00.002-06:00

I wake up and lay in bed about 10 am, and i dont know what to think. Im in pain but instead i lie there without a care. You know how you find someone you want to go to bed with and wake up beside them the next morning. I know I've found him, although the thing is geographically right now were so far apart. I know what I'm about to admit is cheesy, but I took the pic of us kissing from the night we became boyfriends and made it my cell phone wallpaper. So this morning just after waking up I looked at my phone to see what time it was. I saw him and us and if you could only have seen me because of the way i felt upon opening my phone.

As of late with a bit of down time till the next time I wrestle. Things have been somewhat queer for me lately. I mean this because everythings been just happy and gay for me, obscurely so! Im just so optimistic lately! I've just been more accepting of the way things are and what they might be. Basically I've spent the day in steps to move forward in my life, and the fact im not freaking out or having a panic attack is amazing. I've been wanting to move away from San Antonio for quite some time now and have been thinking of possibly where. The place I believe would be best for me is La, after taking weeks of reasoning with pros and cons. So as always its only a matter of time and money. Because everyone who knows me know how determined I am and can be. Last but not least below im going to have two music videos which mean a lot to myself and my bf Phillip Ashton. Love you Babe!

The Right Man -by- Christina Aguilera

Love You Forever -by- Ryan Huston

Safe Sex only!

2009-01-28T17:52:00.003-06:00

So the time has come and a rise in need to address my standpoint on Bareback sex. Upon starting out in the porn industry I admit to have filmed some (currently unreleased) scenes with out a condom. At that point in time about a year ago I chose to no longer remain ignorant to such a huge risk to not only myself but the gay community. A bit lesser than a year ago, I chose personally/professionally not to perform in and film bareback content any longer. The push and gift to self was in seeing a youtube video by Chi Chi Larue on Safe Sex Is Hot Sex! Because safe sex is just as hot if not hotter than bareback. So wrap it up! Krist Cummings

Im just something else....

2009-01-25T23:53:00.001-06:00

So I am sitting here in my bedroom the tube is on and a movie is playing. There doesn't seem to be any cause for my lack of focus the past few days. However and to the contrary I've felt quite overwhelmed. If you've seen the movie “Never Been Kissed” with Drew Barrymore you'll get the penguin reference within the title. Just after the students find out they're prom theme has to change, during a sex ed class Josie Geller (Drew) responds to a girl in question if she was ready to have sex for the first time. She replied “ that penguins the instant the see their mate the first time they know that they'll spend the rest of their lives together.” (paraphrasing of course) What I'm getting at is to be in complete confusion and not even realizing it! The utter agony in searching for words just to mutter the words “I'm in pain...”

Being utterly terrified of love from beat downs and letdowns through the years. Now I
believe there may be a star shining above me. From the shimmer in the skies above to the twinkle in his eyes. Phillip Ashton is not only in my heart (PS New Boyfriend) but found his way in, and now I carry him in my soul! I can't explain this or reason this, in how well we know each other now or at this time. Re-stating that I'm so excited Phillip and I are boyfriends, even more in the fact I cant wait to get to know him more. What I'll never fathom is this, “how in despair and turmoil also feel relief, luck, humble, or even honor.” Mean while I'm stuck in awe, amazement, joy, and also relief. The words escape me as to what I might say to explain this or my train of thought.

To change subject slightly, in regards to being hurt and injuries. I have been in reflection a lot as of late concerning all the injuries I have sustained in only 3 years with wrestling. Bumps, Bruises, Scrapes, Cuts, Multiple Concussions, Fractured Foot, Fractured Wrist, Torn Muscle, Dislocated Both Shoulders, Dislocated Knee, and even Glued shut some Gashes. This goes beyond ridiculous to why someone would continue, despite knowing at some point future injuries will occur. I as others will never
be able to describe they're passion or desire for wrestling. Simply stating that I do not like the pain, although I can bare more than most. Also deciphering the calibration between the payoff I get out of wrestling and do the pros favor over the cons. As I push through and as I head forward in the most peculiar way I'm at peace.

No matter which name that you know me as or which characteristics are on display. Know that “I am deeper than the eye can see, I am missing a part of me.” That line is from a poem I wrote back in 2006 as an English project back in high school. While some parts of the line I used above or entire poem for that matter, do not currently hold true. They are undoubtedly still a part of my life no matter which side of the spectrum I'm facing. I am so thankful for what I have, but I take it all for granted. Currently I feel the full wheel of emotions, no emotion to great! Over all I believe this is the best Ive felt in quite some time, in fact a few years in all honesty. I cant escape my current thought, which is (how I think is very much like a reflective old man.) I am just so satisfied with what I have had out of my entire life so far. I'm at peace and so happy with everything. The trick is maintaining and sustaining this way of mind, way of life, and way of being.

Krist

From the end to the Begining

2009-01-19T23:59:00.003-06:00

I'm starting this blog with no particular reason or idea in mind, but here we go. My lowest point of the year was Dec of 08'. Now things are getting better, and the joy I'm feeling is to much to contain or bare. The 18Th or last Sunday I wrestled in the 3rd year show Guilty by Association 3. That being said it was our first show of the year, for me I wanted to put my bid in for "Holy Shit!" moment of the year. I lept from 20ft in the air to the ground where two guys where there to break my fall. But that was only the second of two big falls Ive had this January alone. Jan 8-15Th i was in Vegas filming content for Thexis. There I finally met Philip Ashton in person after talking through text, i-M's, and emails for quite a while now As that week progressed he asked me at a night club "if i would be his boyfriend" I replied "yes." That was the first fall of this year. To much surprise, Ive had no fear and felt uplifted and optimistic.

I've always inside felt and believed in angels. With doubt and disbelief in most and all religions, I feel vindicated in meeting my angel out there. As human as the next person and in with a week of trial and error i found my angel, and his name is Lyric! From past to present through child to adolescence experiences. I had developed quite the skill of exiling myself from the blessing of friends while being denied by my family at the same time. I generally shut people out, and Lyric was able to get through my internal wall which hardly no one at all has been able to. I was able to openly weep with no fear, no regret, just sadness turned into joy. I Knew from then on and I cant say it again he was and is my angel. This first month of January has already been one hell of a ride. From absence to the shine of a new day and the shimmer of the bright city lights of the Vegas Strip. Just and right after a water display event outside the hotel, Lyric unknowingly bought and gave me the first flower any friend or lover might do. My emotions that night were like water crashing upon the rocks as unpredictable as the next.

I Am left here in awe, struck still wondering what the next eleven months hold. I have a boyfriend, I have so much more to offer 09' this year and it is going to be incredible.
I want to thank everyone I have in my life. If I have met you, let me say to you i remember you and am thankful for you being here in my life. I cant wait to grow more and learn in life as it continues for me and everyone I know. The only way I can explain this is just as in the joy of a child. When you see the joy a child has in believing and knowing Santa Clause is real. I am so excited in knowing and realizing there is more out there. Basically my fire, zest, zeal, and love for life has been restored. I definitely understand that i am not invincible, ex specially while I'm young. What i have found I'm as durable as the Energizer Bunny, ill just keep on going forward in life. (Even when I'm down i maintain in just keeping going.) To all who I love, thank you and I love you. Also that I am always with you, in soul!

Krist Cummings